There are transfer messages galore for Liverpool and Newcastle as Anthony Gordon, Luis Diaz and Marc Guehi have their say amid some Roy Keane ‘fury’.
Prison Gordon
It seemed like there was absolutely nowhere left to go in the world of pretending Liverpool might sign Anthony Gordon. But those Reach titles are nothing if not persistent and know there is always an angle if you look hard enough.
So when Mediawatch clicked on ‘Anthony Gordon’s on-pitch response to Liverpool transfer speaks volumes on Newcastle return,’ it knew roughly what to expect. The immediate and unmistakable stench of Daily Mirror website desperation was no surprise.
The ‘on-pitch response to Liverpool transfer’ was to score in a pre-season friendly. And that obviously ‘speaks volumes’ about something because it is the phrase du jour.
Five more days until the Premier League season starts and this level of unmitigated nonsense can make way for supercomputers.
Deep tissue message
But they are quite inevitably not alone, because…
‘Luis Diaz sends message after Anthony Gordon bid as Liverpool transfer hints dropped’
The Liverpool Echo noticed that Luis Diaz scored in a pre-season friendly too. Shame on them for not realising it spoke volumes or showed his true colours.
Marc of the man
Completing a hat-trick of transfer messages is this gloriously ridiculous Newcastle Chronicle headline:
‘Marc Guehi invited to break silence as Newcastle target bleeped out of video clip’
That is almost impressively ridiculous as a concept and it honestly has to be commended how they have manufactured this into a story. In the desperate need to produce some sort of Guehi update, they have stumbled across an interview conducted by Crystal Palace TV with Will Hughes which Guehi interrupts a couple of times before Hughes jokes: “If you do it again we are switching!”
Sorry, that should be ‘before Hughes invited Guehi to break silence’, because official Crystal Palace channels would definitely have asked the defender whether he has spoken to Eddie Howe yet.
Stick it to demand
It is not all positive for Liverpool in this summer’s window, as the Daily Mirror knows all too well.
‘Liverpool captain confirms he’s not been offered new deal as he enters final 12 months – and demands Reds make transfers’
It doesn’t particularly feel as though the actual Liverpool captain has gone all ANNOUNCE ZUBIMENDI and #FSGOUT, but there you go. The man ‘demands Reds make transfers’.
Let’s see.
“Obviously, I think we should make some signings based on how long the season will go but I think they are working behind the scenes and I am fully convinced, and trust the club, that they will do the right thing for us and get the best possible squad in order to compete in every competition that we are in.”
Arne Slot and Richard Hughes, you have been warned.
We don’t talk about Bruno
‘Fernandes strikes deal to make him best paid at Man Utd after quit hint’ screams The Sun website. And at this stage it is worth remembering just how absolutely laughable that Fernandes ‘quit hint’ always was. What a shock it is that he has ended up staying there.
Community service
Mediawatch is aware – but it really is quite a weird development – that quote marks no longer actually denote quotes when it comes to headlines.One day someone just decided it wasn’t actually that important for the words inside quote marks to be actual words someone has said and it just caught on.
It is a useful evolution in the world of online football media; it must be frustrating when aggregating stories which are interesting but lack that killer eye-catching word or line, so just being able to chuck one in there yourself is handy. Awful, underhanded and really potentially problematic, but certainly handy.
All of this is a roundabout way of calling the Daily Mirror website out for this:
‘Roy Keane ‘furious’ with Manchester United gesture to Man City after Community Shield’
And immediately you see the temptation with the quote mark trick. Roy Keane tends to be furious. You can absolutely hear him saying he is “furious” with Manchester United doing something or other and it makes you want to find out what. It is why it works.
The only issue – and dear reader you might well have guessed this by now – is that Keane said no such thing. Not only that, he said nothing at all; this particular story contains no quotes from him whatsoever. And not onlythat, but the only two people quoted as saying anything, ‘baffled talkSPORT commentators Adrian Durham and Darren Bent’, never said Keane was “furious” either.
Durham said, “I can’t imagine Roy Keane thinking something like that is a nice touch”. Bent said,“when I’m looking at Roy down there and I’m surprised he’s not kicked the desk over, the ITV desk over because he’s there watching”. Durham said, “he’s got his arms in his pocket and he’s not even looking”.
Keane, the man ostensibly quoted in the headline as either saying he was “furious” or at least being as such, said nothing and did nothing beyond ‘looking away’.
Of course the Daily Express website(Roy Keane’s ‘furious’ reaction to Man Utd gesture during Community Shield spotted) have their fill and the Manchester Evening News hit the jackpot with: ‘Roy Keane ‘looks away’ as Manchester United players show true colours with Man City gesture’.
The first few words of the opening paragraph to that piece is a work of art. ‘Roy Keane couldn’t even look’ as Manchester City went to collect their Community Shield winner’s medals while Manchester United formed the laziest of guards of honour. The truth is that Keane, much like pretty much everyone else, just ‘couldn’t be arsed to look’.
READ NEXT:Arsenal win Premier League title as impressive Man Utd avoid ‘risk’ against trophy-hoarding City
Dirty little secret
‘Arteta’s secret weapon strikes again for Arsenal ahead of new Premier League season’ – Daily Mirror website.
What do you mean, Arsenal are good at set-pieces? What even is a Nicolas Jover? They’ve kept this one quiet.
‘Gunners end pre-season in style as they discover ‘cheat code” – The Sun website.
Can you ‘discover’ something you are already consistently and clearly brilliant at? Arsenal equalled the record for most goals scored from corners in a single Premier League season in 2023/24; they have not stumbled across some sort of magic formula in pre-season.
Penalty fine
‘Andre Onana saves just ONE of Man City’s eight penalties after toying with Erling Haaland and Co in the Community Shield shootout – as the Man United goalkeeper’s goal-line antics prove fruitless at Wembley’ – MailOnline.
Onana saved as many penalties as Ederson but sure.
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